If there’s anyone else out there who is currently out of work, I started putting together a helpful guide to the ins and outs of unemployment. Hope this helps you through the hard times.
1. Are grocery stores open at 8:30am?
2. Am I allowed to wear the same shirt multiple days in a row?
Yes, but make sure you toss it in the hamper after three (3) days, max. If you happen to be leaving the house on one of those days, make sure there are no stains on it. If there are, change.
3. I’m home in the mornings, but how can I avoid my creepy mailman who always rings the doorbell because he likes to chat?
Make sure you keep the blinds closed until he delivers the mail. If you have the TV on, keep the volume down during the peak mail delivery time.
4. My couch cushion is developing a large crater where my ass sits. What should I do?
Flip and rotate couch cushions daily to avoid an “ass groove.”
5. What can I do to stay sane?
I recommend strenuous physical activity, such as sanding a deck or working on plyometric push ups.
6. How much time should I devote to job searching per day?
Do not get up from your computer until your eyes start to burn or you start considering new career paths, like alternative dance or glass blowing. If this happens, get up to stretch your legs and eat something.